The Strange and Slightly Unsettling Origin of Slobblers

There are many things in this world that cannot be explained—like why toast always lands butter-side down, why socks disappear in the dryer, and why some people insist on pronouncing “gif” with a hard “G.” But among the greatest unanswered mysteries of all time is the origin of Slobblers.

Some claim that Slobblers were once perfectly normal bats, just slightly larger than usual, until one fateful evening when an unspecified but undoubtedly disastrous scientific experiment went terribly wrong. This theory suggests that a highly classified laboratory, rumored to be run by a scientist named Dr. Reginald P. Flumplewump, was attempting to develop a way to grow human toenails faster (for reasons best left unknown). However, instead of inventing the next great medical breakthrough, he accidentally created a winged, long-limbed, toenail-obsessed menace.

Others insist that Slobblers have been here since the dawn of time, lurking in the darkest corners of the world—ancient creatures that predate humans, dinosaurs, and possibly even soup. The legend goes that Slobblers originally lived inside volcanoes, feeding on magma-snails and lava-frogs, but were forced out when the Earth cooled. No longer able to find a suitable food source, they turned to the next best thing: the humble, defenseless human toenail.

A third, and slightly more disturbing, theory suggests that Slobblers are the result of unfinished bedtime stories. According to this idea, whenever a child falls asleep before a scary story is over, the fear they didn’t experience has to go somewhere. That fear, instead of vanishing into thin air like it’s supposed to, clumps together into a wobbly, bat-like creature with long, dangly arms and an insatiable hunger for toenail clippings. This would explain why Slobblers are especially attracted to houses where stories end in cliffhangers and why they have a deep resentment toward sleepovers, where everyone stays awake giggling and nobody gets scared properly.

Regardless of which version you believe, one fact remains: Slobblers are out there. They do not steal toes, but they do collect toenail clippings, swooping silently into bedrooms at night to gently trim sleeping humans’ toenails with their expertly sharpened claws. Some people claim this is an act of kindness. Others, with slightly more rational brains, believe it is deeply unsettling.

Either way, one thing is certain:
If you leave out a plate of liver and onions, the Slobblers might just leave your feet alone… at least for now.