The Dreadful and Highly Inconvenient Origin of Toe Goblins

There are many unpleasant truths in the world that people refuse to acknowledge. For example, no one likes to admit that beans are not a magical fruit, or that shoelaces mysteriously untie themselves when no one is looking. But among the most alarming and rarely discussed of these truths is the existence of Toe Goblins.

Though many assume Toe Goblins are just a terribly disappointing excuse for missing socks, historians, scientists, and at least one retired shoe salesman strongly disagree.

The first known record of Toe Goblins appears in an ancient (and suspiciously incomplete) foot care manual written by a medieval barber named Sir Hobbledy Climp. In his writings, Climp warned of “tiny, wretched beings” that lived in castle basements and snuck into bedrooms under the cover of darkness to swipe toes off unsuspecting nobles. Most historians dismissed this claim, assuming that Sir Hobbledy had simply confused goblins with rats, or possibly a very aggressive fungus.

However, new evidence suggests that Toe Goblins may have originated deep within the coal mines of the world, where their ancestors spent centuries nibbling on stalactites and developing a taste for things that should not be eaten. At some point, they became jealous of humans, who, unlike goblins, had comfortable shoes, proper foot hygiene, and the ability to do the Hokey Pokey without shame. Fueled by resentment and an unreasonable craving for toes, they scuttled out of the mines and began their centuries-long campaign of toe theft.

Another (far more disturbing) theory claims that Toe Goblins were not born, but made. According to this legend, long ago there was a mysterious tailor who specialized in making very specific socks—socks that never got lost. No matter how many washing machines, bed sheets, or laundry baskets they encountered, these socks would always remain in perfect pairs. At first, people were delighted. But then they started to notice things.

• The socks were always slightly damp, even when fresh from the dryer.
• Every so often, one sock would disappear… but a single, gnarled little footprint would be left in its place.
• People who wore the socks claimed to hear tiny, hungry giggles at night.

Then, without warning, the tailor vanished, leaving behind only an empty shop, a half-sewn sock, and a deeply unsettling note that read:

“Nibble, nibble, you naughty little Gob Gob!”

To this day, no one knows exactly how Toe Goblins choose their victims, but experts have compiled the following safety guidelines:

✅ Do NOT go to bed with one sock on. (This invites curiosity.)
✅ Do NOT wiggle your toes after midnight. (They take it as an offering.)
✅ Do NOT insult socks, shoelaces, or foot hygiene in general. (They have very sensitive feelings.)

Although their true origins remain a mystery, one thing is certain:
If you ever wake up in the middle of the night and feel a tiny, cold breeze where your pinky toe used to be… it may already be too late.